#358 - out of office AUTO-REPLY

 24.xii.20

358

out of office AUTO-REPLY

(footer with a little kick)

 

for Madeleine Beekman

 

I am not here

what’s it to you?

(fuck off)

 

I’m probably not going to read this, upstart

… no use grovelling now

you’re talking to the machine

(fuck off)

 

If I were here, I probably wouldn’t be interested in reading

whatever presumptuous dross you’ve written

(get fucked)

 

if you were trying to get me to do something, anything – nice try

(you can just fuck off)

 

I am on indefinite leave

(suck it up, picture the tropics with cocktails)

 

and even if I weren’t away, I still could not be bothered with your crap…

whatever it was you were wanting to say… I just don’t care

 

no, actually I am fucking offended

 

do I need to spell it out?

… if you were on fire, I’d hold on till I got home …

get it?

 

soon I’ll be fucking off somewhere else

(who knows? I’m not telling)

 

b t w

this is confidential and may be privileged

we do collect personal information

we use it for profit

(go figure)

 

let me go further

I blame you

Greta Thunberg voice

 ‘how dare you!’

that wasn’t a question, you dick

 

think you can write to me?

the nerve!

the gall!

 

you have been pre-emptively scanned, found wanting

(chewed up, spat out, as a matter of principle)

in sum, let’s just say

you’re fucked

 

only read this if it’s intended for you? 

yeah… right

all the parentheses are

(yes, fuck off

how many times do you need to be told?)

 

it’s nothing personal

(never could cope with the fine print, could you?)

 

a Pandora’s box!

expect to be pursued to the fullest extent of the furies

we reserve the right

anything you say may be…  held against, used

it has been

… look forward to a custodial sentence

we no longer call this torture

indication – ‘extreme prejudice’

 

I have an inkling how this will be read

I mean I think I know what you’re thinking

and it’s with a mixture of pleasure and pride

(if you’ll just read between the lines)

I’m able here to so subtly imply

FUCK
YOU
TOO
!