Monday 19 September 2022

#987 - Kalevala in three minutes





three minute Kalevala

(soft boiled)

no particular order because you can start anywhere

names omitted because no one is innocent


Earth out of a crushed eggshell

everyone starts singing

sing so nicely gods listen in


the singing turns into a battle

these people are intense!


you head off looking for a maiden then

have a float, take an eagle ride


okay we need …

no one really knows what it is

but everybody wants a piece


let’s call it ‘the chocolate’


that’s what we’re hunting here


journey far

in quest of the chocolate

bring honey too

or sugar from the beet

(and we want a good discount)


sail off, kill a big fish

everything thanks to the chocolate!


it’s something you have to make yourself


how long does happiness last?

here’s a hairbrush, mum

if it bleeds, I’m a goner


damn, knew it would!


the girl or the chocolate?

that’s the choice


build a boat with a song at the bottom

and questing again

learn a few helpful spells

but she chooses the other bloke anyway


double damn

ask yourself – how to be a hero?

answer: dangerous and unreasonable tasks


these involve beer and slaughter

send out invitations


hey – somebody wasn’t invited

bad form!


burn your house down so


and while you’re not looking

some bastards steal the chocolate

out of a vault of stone

(thought it would be safe in there)


this sets us off on a bit of a swan hunt

oops, fall into the River of Death


she rakes up the bits of the boy then

put him back together – that’s magic


make a wife of silver and gold

turns out to be a cold fish


resort to some more kidnapping

cast a fresh spell

start speaking to your sword


what’s up?


a big bear does in your cows


long wander again and after

some old lady in the forest says

guess what?  your family’s still here after all


howsabout some child abuse?

it’s inter-generational


pay your taxes, seduce your own sister

(of course you couldn’t have known)


she tops herself (you would too)

then wreak revenge

lay to waste

go home

place is deserted

throw yourself onto somebody’s sword

swords will never care who


you’d think that would round things off


sun, moon hidden

fire stolen – the usual


but those mongrels who stole the chocolate

they lost it getting back


one gets attacked in the form of an eagle


have to put back the stars and the sky


then while a girl’s looking after her lambs

(woolly, white, innocent all)

she gets involved with a lingonberry

and you know how that goes


the bub starts telling the girl’s dad off

he was a bit severe

quick as a flash lad’s king

and of a place that we’ve lost

good riddance


the old bloke retires

but vows to return

when things are a little less likely


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