#987 - Kalevala in three minutes

 

19.ix.22

987

3.261

three minute Kalevala

(soft boiled)

no particular order because you can start anywhere

names omitted because no one is innocent

 

Earth out of a crushed eggshell

everyone starts singing

sing so nicely gods listen in

 

the singing turns into a battle

these people are intense!

 

you head off looking for a maiden then

have a float, take an eagle ride

 

okay we need …

no one really knows what it is

but everybody wants a piece

so

let’s call it ‘the chocolate’

 

that’s what we’re hunting here

 

journey far

in quest of the chocolate

bring honey too

or sugar from the beet

(and we want a good discount)

 

sail off, kill a big fish

everything thanks to the chocolate!

 

it’s something you have to make yourself

 

how long does happiness last?

here’s a hairbrush, mum

if it bleeds, I’m a goner

 

damn, knew it would!

 

the girl or the chocolate?

that’s the choice

 

build a boat with a song at the bottom

and questing again

learn a few helpful spells

but she chooses the other bloke anyway

 

double damn

ask yourself – how to be a hero?

answer: dangerous and unreasonable tasks

 

these involve beer and slaughter

send out invitations

 

hey – somebody wasn’t invited

bad form!

 

burn your house down so

 

and while you’re not looking

some bastards steal the chocolate

out of a vault of stone

(thought it would be safe in there)

 

this sets us off on a bit of a swan hunt

oops, fall into the River of Death

 

she rakes up the bits of the boy then

put him back together – that’s magic

 

make a wife of silver and gold

turns out to be a cold fish

 

resort to some more kidnapping

cast a fresh spell

start speaking to your sword

 

what’s up?

 

a big bear does in your cows

 

long wander again and after

some old lady in the forest says

guess what?  your family’s still here after all

 

howsabout some child abuse?

it’s inter-generational

 

pay your taxes, seduce your own sister

(of course you couldn’t have known)

 

she tops herself (you would too)

then wreak revenge

lay to waste

go home

place is deserted

throw yourself onto somebody’s sword

swords will never care who

 

you’d think that would round things off

 

sun, moon hidden

fire stolen – the usual

 

but those mongrels who stole the chocolate

they lost it getting back

 

one gets attacked in the form of an eagle

 

have to put back the stars and the sky

 

then while a girl’s looking after her lambs

(woolly, white, innocent all)

she gets involved with a lingonberry

and you know how that goes

 

the bub starts telling the girl’s dad off

he was a bit severe

quick as a flash lad’s king

and of a place that we’ve lost

good riddance

 

the old bloke retires

but vows to return

when things are a little less likely